autumn. that's a cool word.

everything seems new and yet familiar these days. i mean, i am 23 and have been doing this seasons changing thing for as long as i have been on this planet in this midwest region of the unuited states...

but there is a newness i have encountered in life this last three weeks where it feels like im a new born baby...like, things are alive and in full color and everything is stiring curiosity and adventure in my spirit. it's cool. i'm in school full time..learning alot day by day, week by week. and my Teacher is the best in all the world.

there is this under lining comfort in the changes that are happening. this knowing that my Daddy has got me exactly where He wants me and everything is going to be alright. my faith is growing. my trust is increasing. my passion is burning in my chest, my passion to know God, His ways and His word and His Spirit that speaks all the time. i want to hear Him. i want to feel Him hovering in between my shoulder blades...the weight of glory to rest on me.

it's beautiful this time of year. there is cold with the promise of warmth, death as a promise of new life. it happens every fall, the warm days turn brisk with biting winds and snow will soon follow, the leaves whither and fall to the ground and the branches are stripped naked. skies turn grey. animals hybernate. the winter coats come out. dormancy. there is this urgency to protect ourselves, our skin from the cold air, our families from the seasons colds, and our hearts from loneliness. we seek the warmth that hearths promise and the flames from a stoked fire can produce not just for our flesh, but for our souls. and the idea behind the fire is that we are with others being warmed together, sharing the bond of our human limits, the same desire that we all share as winter approaches to be warm..to be connected. to be loved.

and we are. we are not alone. there is love all around. there is true caring happening everywhere i look. i am drawn lately to the scenes of young infants nestled closely to their mothers chests, little ones tugging at daddy's jacket to be picked up and carried, couples hand in hand, or the woman leaning in closely to her man as he sheilds her from the wind as they walk. brothers and sisters in church kneeling and praying together, bearing one anothers burdens and going boldly before the throne of grace.

yes, this is what my eyes see. and long to see more of: the hungry being fed, the naked being clothed, the lonely being loved, the sick being healed, the broken and forlorn being mended and accepted. this is the Christ i know. this is the gospel i carry. and this is what i want my life to look like.

i trust the wisest way, i trust the Giver of wisdom. mmm. and it's good. this trust feels like the feeling i get around that hearth, the fire blazing, laughs being shared and warmth between souls exchanged. that's what trust feels like...it's safe.

:)

how's that for an update?

back in school...

yes, school did start an entire month ago today, but i am back in school none the less. the excitement of meeting new people, the smell of new sext books, the nervousness about your indevidual standing with your professors, the mystery that you are to your fellow classmates and that your fellow classmates are to you, it has all begun to fade here in week five. the new people have been met, that new text book smell lost its potancy, the professors and i have developed 'standing' while i have sat respectfully and intently under their instrucion. while i have not missed one class this far along in the school year, i have participated in class discussion with enthusiasm, taken vigorous notes, i have been absent in other ways. it is secular in every sense of the word. a place of the world, where the world goes for instruction and finds out how to further their carrier to keep building into the capatilism that is destroying our nation.

i carry my bible in my purse and also whatever christion book i am reading at the time, to read on breaks in between classes. i need mana every day. i need it in this place where darkness breeds. i know there are others tho, other Christians. i have met some and it's engouraging to find these treasure houses at school. and i know that i carry the Light. i just underestimate the ability of myself to be used to actually pierce the darkness. and then i think about that statement and i have to conclude that in underestimating my ability to pierce the darkness i am underestimating God's ability to live, move and breath in and through me to pierce the darkness. Oh God, help my unbelief! i find myself amazed by this concept, God using earthen vessels to bring the Kingdom. use me, My Love, earthen vessel that i am.

my heart is longing to learn Your ways on a greater level, a deeper level of understanding. not just cognitive understanding but the kind that is full of passion, fire and conviction, the kind that wraps its heated fingers around my heart and massages it's truths into my core that has somehow recently become cold...i want You as my very Teacher, Your Holy Spirit instructing me in conversations and in prayer, in study and work. servitude is developing in me begrudgingly it seems at times...discipline. You are teaching me discipline in ways that make my flesh, which is by definition weak, flair up. so much is being honed and developed. i do not want to resent Your sweet corrections. no, i ask for them.

one month and two days ago i turned 23. it has been a very trying month. my faith is being stretched. my sin is before me. i am humbled. i am becoming desperate, the kind of desperate that causes me to want to give up everything, everything i know and love to have more of You. O let Your fire fall! i have been wondering what my life is for, having a birthday recently and all. and it is interesting that every time i ask this question, the answer is the same: You. my life is for You. knowing this causes peace to settle over my soul like fog settles over the waters. and i know that this last month is worth far more than i can now see in the natural.

so i press on. and desperation to go where You are leading me is ever increasing. thank You for that. i am Your student, i yield to your instruction. all i ask is that You let me have ears to hear!

back from 8-4-08 never finished...grace enough to...

face the daily grind. to walk in the mundane with the Holy Spirit inside empowering to do the seemingly daunting tasks of life. i know this. however, i cannot stop focusing on who i am without. my heart is in a constant state of aching for the one i Love.

today i am melancholy, yet somehow hopeful. there is a heaviness that settled in between my shoulder blades as the clouds rolled in and brought their summer rain. and we need the rain here in this flat land... it's been really dry. we need to be saturated. the symbolism i am drawing from this is that i need to be saturated. i am becoming extremely and thirsty once again for the out pour of the Holy Spirits anointing on my life, day in and day out. and i realize that i must cling to the Anointed One, my beautiful Christ.

i got to see Stephanie yesterday:) she stirs up my spirit to keep running this race, to chase after the things of God, to go and grab a hold of God.

though i walk through the valley...

'sometimes God makes things seem hard to shake us out of our complacency.'

that's what ben told me last week over the phone. this season has been so good and produced so much fruit. i have learned much about myself and my calling and how to reach out and grab hold of God and all that He has for me. i have learned that His ways are not my ways. breakthrough has happened in almost every area of my life. the Holy Spirit permeates and fills and brings to life every facet of day to day living. yes, even the monotonous work that can make us groan in dissatisfaction for something more...even this is for a purpose. it is to refine us and make us more like Him. in all things i have learned to say, 'my character needs this. this is absolutely necessary for growth to happen. and this is exactly what grace is for.' grace covers everything and enables us to face the daily grind with joy and a victorious spirit.

progress can seem slow but it is the little decisions of daily life that prepare us for the big decisions that are 'life altering', the big decisions where our devotion is tested and our obedience level stretched and strengthened. in this sense, the little decisions are just as important if not more important than the major decisions:)

i am in a transition, a decision making process and sometimes confused by circumstance. but the Lord is faithful and sovereign to reveal all things in His timing, which is perfect. i could not want anything else than His will His way. if only i could be a little more enthusiastic as i type those words. His will His way.

the decision i am faced with is moving. yea. that's right. moving. leaving illinois. lake county. torch. my family. my jobs. everything i have ever known and ever called home and that fills most of the memories i have formed in this lifetime so far. uprooting. that's what i would be doing. leaving it all behind. i know that that doesn't mean i would lose touch with people altogether. i can still be connected with my family and friends here. but it all changes. it will never go back to how it was, how its been. even this summer has been a weird season of just nothing...nothing as far as being here at home besides work, a few social events, and leading a few times at torch. it's been really rich with the Lord. really rich with ben. most of my time has been spent working and talking on the phone with ben or just being with him when i can. most else has been rather desert like.

ben gave me this analogy last week of a potted plant. a potted plant can only grow so much in the confines of the pot it is in. the roots get cramped the longer they are in that pot. the plant cannot grow any further because it's roots are stifled. the plant has done all the growing it can to in that pot. and it was good for the time of growth that took place while the plant was in the pot, but now it needs to be trans-planted into a bigger pot or a garden where it's roots can grow deep and it get get the nourishment that it needs to thrive and become it's greatest and best version of the plant it could ever be.

ben told me that i am like that potted plant.that where i am in life and as a woman is ready to be planted in a place where my roots can go deep and i can thrive. that i have done about all the growing that i will do here. my roots are pressed against the confines of the walls that are boxing me in...and i do sense it, a suffocating feeling the longer i am here. he, too, senses a change coming for himself. specifically, that our roots need to be planted together so that they can intertwine and grow together in the same place. we need to be in a place where we can share life together to continue growing up into all things in Christ.

another thing i need to do is let go of the way things have always been and embrace the NEW. God makes all things new and life is all about change, always changing and becoming more like Christ. i must not allow any fear to hinder what lies ahead because the Lord goes before me.


this is a weird place to be, that thresh hold of a major change and at this very moment it feels as though this change is closer than i think. i am not in a hurry to go. i am waiting on the Lord. at this point it's when He says 'go', i will go. and i am just realizing that He could say go much sooner than i am anticipating. and i am His bond slave, His love slave and i will go where He sends me. you better believe it! and of course, i am thrilled because that means embarking into this life with ben, the man i Love, the man God has brought to me, the best gift He has ever given to me. it is with ben by my side that i know i will be able to fulfill my destiny for the Kingdom and i will also help ben fulfill his destiny. that's huge. it's exciting! it's...what i want.

i just spent four days with ben and our time together was so powerful. it was anointed and of the Lord. we worshiped and prayed and smashed through the schemes that the enemy tried to prop up against us. we i can see that the Lord is preparing my way, He is going before me to ohio and making my path. He is setting everything up for ben and i to be together soon. He is even doing a really good job at making sure that we are trusting Him completely because things are tight with money. it would be so tempting to wonder how this is going to happen and when. but that is up to Him. all i can do today is obey and be faithful with what is in front of me. all that i can do is trust radically that my God is big and none of this stuff phases Him at all. this is a faith test.

proverbs 3:5 and 6

trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

that's all i need to say for now.

wanting His will, His way,

Bethany Belisa~