yes, school did start an entire month ago today, but i am back in school none the less. the excitement of meeting new people, the smell of new sext books, the nervousness about your indevidual standing with your professors, the mystery that you are to your fellow classmates and that your fellow classmates are to you, it has all begun to fade here in week five. the new people have been met, that new text book smell lost its potancy, the professors and i have developed 'standing' while i have sat respectfully and intently under their instrucion. while i have not missed one class this far along in the school year, i have participated in class discussion with enthusiasm, taken vigorous notes, i have been absent in other ways. it is secular in every sense of the word. a place of the world, where the world goes for instruction and finds out how to further their carrier to keep building into the capatilism that is destroying our nation.
i carry my bible in my purse and also whatever christion book i am reading at the time, to read on breaks in between classes. i need mana every day. i need it in this place where darkness breeds. i know there are others tho, other Christians. i have met some and it's engouraging to find these treasure houses at school. and i know that i carry the Light. i just underestimate the ability of myself to be used to actually pierce the darkness. and then i think about that statement and i have to conclude that in underestimating my ability to pierce the darkness i am underestimating God's ability to live, move and breath in and through me to pierce the darkness. Oh God, help my unbelief! i find myself amazed by this concept, God using earthen vessels to bring the Kingdom. use me, My Love, earthen vessel that i am.
my heart is longing to learn Your ways on a greater level, a deeper level of understanding. not just cognitive understanding but the kind that is full of passion, fire and conviction, the kind that wraps its heated fingers around my heart and massages it's truths into my core that has somehow recently become cold...i want You as my very Teacher, Your Holy Spirit instructing me in conversations and in prayer, in study and work. servitude is developing in me begrudgingly it seems at times...discipline. You are teaching me discipline in ways that make my flesh, which is by definition weak, flair up. so much is being honed and developed. i do not want to resent Your sweet corrections. no, i ask for them.
one month and two days ago i turned 23. it has been a very trying month. my faith is being stretched. my sin is before me. i am humbled. i am becoming desperate, the kind of desperate that causes me to want to give up everything, everything i know and love to have more of You. O let Your fire fall! i have been wondering what my life is for, having a birthday recently and all. and it is interesting that every time i ask this question, the answer is the same: You. my life is for You. knowing this causes peace to settle over my soul like fog settles over the waters. and i know that this last month is worth far more than i can now see in the natural.
so i press on. and desperation to go where You are leading me is ever increasing. thank You for that. i am Your student, i yield to your instruction. all i ask is that You let me have ears to hear!