Thursday, November 19, 2009

assignment done by midnight. :)

hello. i really like being a student. i like having a million things to balance. i like being challenged every single day. i like learning. i just do.

and so, with being a student comes assignments and deadlines. those are such good things and are used to bring discipline to the everyday procrastinators out there. ;) i am not admitting to being one here, just so you know;)

so, this little blog entry contains an assignment that i just finished for a class i am in called 'Stewardship in Life' where we learn about loads of things, practical things, anything from mortgages to personal relationships to time management skill and goal keeping. it's good. so, this assignments was evaluating self and realizing how self things, like our tendencies, have an effect on our interactions with all people. this was a good way to assess loads in myself and i really felt compelled to share it all with all of you. basically there were options to choose from, whether we are in the performance trap, approval addicts, play the blame game or wear shame. there were principles and a scripture given with each one to see what the Word actually says about these certain tendencies in our make-up as people.

i am a combination of a perfectionist and people please-er, (it's obvious that this means at times i feel i have standards to meet and approval to gain in order to feel good about myself.)

the principle for perfectionism was this:

justification: justification means that God not only has forgiven me of my sins but also has granted me the righteousness of Christ. because of justification, i bear Christ's righteousness, and i am therefore fully pleasing to the Father.(Romans 5:1)

the principle for approval addicts was this:

Reconciliation: reconciliation means that although i was at one time hostile towards God and alienated from Him i am not forgiven and have been brought into an intimate relationship with Him. consequently, i am totally accepted by God (colossians 1:21-22)

here is what i ended up writing up:)

1. Identify your personality tendencies:

My tendency is to seek approval and have everyone like me. I am sensitive but can accept criticism, I usually invite it. I find it very difficult to say no, though. I hate letting people down and a lot of that has to do with what they will end up thinking about me rather than my concern for how they are effected. I think I am more important than I actually am. People do not actually think about me as much as I think they do. Also, I will sometimes have really unrealistic expectations of myself and fear of failure will keep me from taking risks to even attempt to achieve these expectations because I do not want to be perceived as a failure by anyone. So, in this way perfectionism sort of feeds me longing for approval.

2. How do your tendencies effect your friendships?

Fears will keep me from going deep in friendships that were actually meant for depth. Fear will keep me insecure and locked up instead of being vulnerable and building into people. My fears are all self-focused and selfish. They isolate me and keep me really self-oriented in my thoughts. I end up beating myself up, feeling super lonely and putting loads of pressure on myself. I will actually ignore people and forget to ask how they are doing when I am deeply discouraged. It’s awful!

3. Let God speak on how to grow.

I know how God wants me to live my life, investing in deep friendships, speaking prophetically into peoples lives and being real. Friendships are a powerful force that can push us forward in our walk with God and seeing the Kingdom brought to this earth. The Kingdom is all about relationship: God to man, man to God, man to each other. I need to accept how God designed all of this to be. I am actually to LOVE how He designed this to be and find complete goodness and freedom in His ways, His all wise ways.

I can live a relationally RICH life. I can have vision for people and speak life and truth. I can love with God’s love and as I get closer to God I will simultaneously grow in love for His people. This is a BEAUTIFUL design! I don’t have to fear man. I fear God; I let Him tell me who I am and where my security comes from. I know I will watch as the insecurities just shed like scales. And I will be free, yes, I will be free.

i hope this is helpful for some of you. there is so much freedom offered by our loving God! i love to share what He has done in me because He is sooo worthy of me declaring it! God is so GOOD!

-bethany belisa

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

crazy changes.

hey. just an update. my sister just got engaged.

i am experiencing lots of emotions.

like, childhood is officially over. life is changing more rapidly the older we get. my sister is just one of the most beautiful creatures ever created. really. i am convinced of it. she is beautiful. and God is now her Lord and has provided her with an amazing man who will lead her in this life. i have been deeply blessed by her relationship with joel. it's everything she always did deserve and now God is just lavishing grace upon grace to them both for living in radical obedience.

wedding planning will be fun:) my sister is brilliant at being arty and creative so i know it will be a beautiful wedding.

she will always be my little sister. and i am so happy for her.


i feel super blessed today because God is just proving to me personally His faithfulness and care towards me. it's really deep, not that it hasnt been. this is just a new season with the School of Worship and Living Light. really, there are deep things changing. like my insecurities are just falling off and being replaced by security in Him. fears are breaking off and being replaced with total TRUST in His care.

just one little way i felt God's love really impact me was yesterday evening. you see, i always stay late at school to practice piano for about two hours. i had purchased a metronome at the beginning of the year because i had began private lessons and was just pumped about having a metronome of my own and being trained classically and such. well, on thursday i went to practice and my metronome was missing. i was really bummed out about it because i had been so dedicated for the last 8 weeks. i was really upset and discouraged because it was an investment i had made into what i believe God's called me to, music, and then for my metronome to just dissapear was bizarre.

so, i daydreamed i was seeing it everywhere. like trying to rack my brain and remember the last place i had it. it either fell out of my bag or someone took it out. so, anyway. i was stressing about money because i got a lovely yellow service engine soon light in my car and sure enough it was a problem that couldn't go without being dealt with. so, i was freaking out about money and all the things i am involved in thinking things seemed overwhelming and impossible. i cried out to God. there's alot on my plate right now and i AM being stretched, so this crying out to Him was so good because it shows me where i am running to when things go crazy now, whereas before i ran to other sources of comfort.

God is so GOOD!

anyway, i borrowed a metronome to practice monday and my car was in the shop on tuesday all day...praise God it wasn't longer than that! and i went to pack my things up after practicing with the borrow metronome, my dad was waiting for me in the church parking lot, so i was throwing my things in my bag quickly but noticed something in a shiny little box. it was a brand new metronome. no note attached or anything. there it was, just for me.

i felt so loved. and all the finances lined up for my car so that's just amazing.

God will prove Himself just so that my heart will change and see Him as a fully trustworthy Daddy who has all things in mind, and has my best in mind and wants to show me His goodness in ways that i can really tangibly know. wow.

i feel really blessed.

got to lead worship this morning. that was anointed. really. God just spoke clearly about requiring a bended knee, a broken and contrite heart in us as He teaches us about Himself. and then we had a crummy practice. ha! it was funny to me because there is so much learning, so many hits and misses in this school of worship. God's patience with us and grace for us is just being lavished on. its amazing.

i love this season.

there are hard things, sure, but it is all worth it for the sake of knowing my Jesus in a more intimate way.