"I want to keep company with you..."

some realizations of late are that i have not led a 'normal life' since the accident, which was 17 months ago now.

i was floored when i actually took the time to think about how much time had passed since august of 2010. i have not worked since then, was part of an internship last year, got married, bought a house, did a little bit of traveling, wrote songs here and there, started running again on and off but that's really about it. these realizations have been saddening to me, the fact that i really was down and out for quite a long time. 17 months, in my mind, as a 26 year old woman, is a long time.

what people may not realize is that a life altering accident is actually just that, life altering. i have not been the same since the accident. (don't worry, this post won't be depressing...i promise!)

the implications of being 'down and out' as i call it, are that i have only been semi-invested in all of life, if at all. i have only half- lived and there are reasons why i can honestly say this and it's not all that connected to unemployment, although that certainly has its challenges.

i have not been open to lots of things from friendships to participating on sunday mornings to learning how to cook to keeping to a regular laundry schedule. well, i have been open but unable to go after anything with my all; i have literally struggled in every single area of life. there have been plenty of sunday mornings where i have not wanted to go to Church at all, and for me, that's saying something. i won't get in to the depths of the depression and anxiety i have faced; just know that i went through the most trying time in my entire life after the accident and that's also saying something...i'm a cancer survivor and have been healed of disease. let's put it this way: i am no stranger to suffering.

God's grace is something i am no stranger to, either.

throughout this process, i have longed to have something to bring to God, but i have had nothing to bring; no talent, no accomplished to do lists, no deep and thriving friendships, no races run, no hours on the piano. nothing.

but my heart.

all i have had to bring to God has been my heart; my heart full of questions, full of pain, full of disappointments, full of dreams i have been afraid to dream.

even so, God took what i had to offer to him, a stripped down version, a broken and messy version of bethany belisa. He took my heart and did not let go.

my favorite thing about this season is that i get to say i kept company with God. that's a fancy way of saying we hung out...all the time. it is something i heard him whisper to me when my bones were broken and healing; i would hear him say, "i want to keep company with you, my dear." and He would. i knew He was right there and wasn't going anywhere. my body needed lots of rest and in this i truly learned what it is to be content in all things. this is the 'secret' paul said he learned; now i know it too;)

i am a former busy-body. God has saved me from myself. He took the accident and used it for good and accomplished many things in me. i am grateful for this season, even though it's been longer and harder than i imagined it would be. but how can we truly know something until we have gone through it ourselves?

"He changes times and seasons..." Daniel 2:21


bethany belisa