oh me, oh my.

lately. lately i have been pondering a lot of things and acquiring a focus i have lacked for a while. a certain book has been helping me re-evaluate pretty much every facet of my life; time, money, emotions and relationships. i feel a clarity of life-focus coming that i am not sure that i have had before. i have always been ultra intense, passionate and zealous, but that's not what all that is going on right now is about. i cannot just be intense, driven, zealous and passionate. i have to be balanced: i have to be gentle, soft, merciful and humble before God and man. zeal without character does not really impress me anymore and i wonder why i ever thought it impressed God or anyone else, for that matter. of course, back in my zeal i did not know i lacked character.


i was sincere in my love for God but it only looked a certain way in that season: alone-ness, fasting, worship music 24/7, memorizing scripture, reading the word and christian books in every free moment, missions, worship songs,deep introspection, long hours of intercession, depth of burdens for the worlds issues, hunger for God. i was always hungry for more of God. also, depression, anxiety, self-righteousness and judgement of everyone who lived differently than i did or related to God in a 'lesser' way. this is what i once looked like.


God is doing something in me right now, and has been since the accident almost 2 years ago, that will change/is changing how i live my life. i have had such a hard time reconciling how my life has looked these last 2 years since the accident to how it looked before the accident.


i have felt stuck or like an incomplete person with my life looking so different now: i am married now, with a husband who hears God in completely different ways than i do and i have had to learn not to project my ways onto him and trust his walk with God even though it is entirely different. different is not wrong.


my problem is that i will shy away from being all about something if i am not sure that i am 100% right about it; i want to be secure in knowledge before i make a decision and i can just think myself into a corner if i am insecure in my knowledge. also, with the whole knowledge thing, i can think i am better than everyone else, which is pride. so, in this process of searching these things out, wanting to be right and wanting to be humble, i have not been writing or talking much to anyone because there is a re-definition in process and i need to allow God to do this thorough work, uninterrupted by my judgmental thoughts and attitudes. it's been challenging and that's why i have not written much or talked much; i feel my pride being challenged, my way of learning and even my value of knowledge being challenged by God himself. ultimately, i feel humiliated at my approach to things by God; humility comes through humiliation. that is something the pastor at the church i used to attend would always say: humility comes by humiliation. he said it allllll the time and i didn't understand why. now, 6 years later, i think i am beginning to understand.


my approach to life and God before was not wrong, it was just imbalanced and i am seeing that i need other things, like, the church, the people of God speaking into my life and the Word to balance out the way i am wired. i think this is pretty much true for everyone: we need balance and to get balance we need to be around people that are not like us.


this is not succinct or clearly written in my mind, but i feel the same way about this process i have been in for the last 2 years or so. it's a long and messy labor of love. i am glad God is the one overseeing this whole thing because he is the author and perfecter. i actually cannot believe i am going to publish this post because it is so incomplete in my eyes, like this process i am in. but i am learning to have grace for myself in this place as God does.